The Friendship Dispersal Mechanism

Remember your college roommates? You were all best friends. You lived in the same dirty apartment with peeling posters and questionable carpeting for years! Well...something happens when the final bell of graduation tolls. Some friends stay together, others begin to drift. You might not expect it, and the people who end up seperating from the herd might be surprising. Here are the possibilities in the Friendship Dispersal Mechanism.

(a) The Octopus Effect. This occurs when one friend begins dating a clingy, anti-social neurotic who demands constant time, money, and power cuddling in order to be happy. Like an octopus, this sudden and intense love interest (whom you and your friends DO NOT like) will coil it's cold, needy tentacle around your previously trustworthy friend and pull him or her into their ocean of psychological co-dependency. The Octopus might not seem so bad at first, merely annoying. But when your friend begins "staying in," stops responding to text messages, and bails out on plans (including plans they made themselves), understand it is because the Octopus is pulling them under. You will begin to see him or her much less, first on every other weekend, then once a month, then only on special occasions. It is at this point that they are under the sea completely, and will only be coming up to gulp some air, before the Octopus claims them again. Solutions: be your own Captain Nemo and harpoon the sea creature (read: intervention) as soon as possible.

(b) The Careerist Effect. This occurs when one or many of your previously hardworking but still social friends takes it to the next level. College is over, and all that B.S. (fun) is put on the back burner. These academic Lancelots get on their warhorses and gallop full speed ahead toward Career Land, leaving many lazy buddies in their wake. For example, say one friend decides to go to law school. Newsflash: law school sucks. You don't even have time to tickle your chin wart in law school. Friends, parties, restaurant gatherings, movie nights, all of it--say bye bye. Or maybe another friend enters med school. It's over. When someone is learning how to use super accurate laser machines to cut open the human spinal column, they're probably too busy to do Irish Car Bombs with you. Some well-rounded individuals are able to sidestep the full blown Careerist Effect, but these are far and few between.

(c) Pen Pal Syndrome. This occurs when a friend makes the decision not go to the same post-college geographical area as everyone else. Say you guys are all from the Midwest, and attend a university in Indiana. Most people are flocking to Indianapolis or Chicago. The friend with Pen Pal Syndrome will tell you he's going to Seattle. Freaking Seattle. Are you serious? Yes, I understand that it's beautiful and you have a love interest/job opportunity there. But do you realize YOU WILL NEVER SEE 95% OF YOUR FRIENDS? That your new choices for best friend are your girlfriend's guy friends, the frequently sweating 42 year old in the cubicle next to you, and the couple who play 2 am techno across the hall? While there are always legitimate reasons for traveling far away from your friends, this does not diminish the polarizing and friendship-altering effects of Pen Pal Syndrome.

(d) The Cool Kid Virus. This one is easy to explain. Either through a new network of friends, a sudden epiphany, an inflow of cash, or a flashy wardrobe, one or multiple members of your friends decide they are too cool for school. They begin going to very questionable, clubbish night spots, indulge in freestyle monologues about themselves, reveal an extremely well-practiced "aloof face," look over your shoulder for other people to talk to, and become Master Generals of the bail-out technique. For guys, the Cool Kid Virus can occur if the individual suddenly begins scoring with lots of attractive women. For women, it can occur if the individual begins DATING an attractive (and wealthy) stud horse of a man. Note: when the Octopus Effect and the Cool Kid Virus combine, a very deadly potion is created.