The Chicago White Sox had their first place season interrupted by the 1994 strike. As they were only able to play 69% of their season, their true potential has remained unknown. Using formidable calculation techniques known only to Cherokee medicine men, we have discovered a way to factor in the probable stats of the 1994 White Sox as if they had played an entire season. Enjoy! What? Enjoy!
Note: all statistical numbers were multiplied by 1.31. Wins and losses were multiplied by the winning percentage at the end of the season, .593.
1994 Chicago White Sox: 162 Games
96 Wins, 66 Losses
829 Runs Scored, 652 Runs Against
Battings Statistics
Frank Thomas .353 AVG 50 HR 132 R.B.I. .729 SLG
Julio Franco .319 AVG 26 HR 128 R.B.I. .510 SLG
Robin Ventura .282 AVG 24 HR 102 R.B.I. .459 SLG
Pitching Statistics
Wilson Alvarez .345 ERA 16 W 10 L 141 S.O.
Jason Bere .381 ERA 16 W 3 L 166 S.O.
Thus Ceases the 1994 White Sox First Place Statistical Calculation of Nostalgia, Anger, and Admiration.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Star Trek--What is a "Kirk?"
While the original Kirk was still something of a tail-chaser, the Kirk of the Star Trek remake was a pure, unadulterated frat boy. More specifically, he was an unlikeable, cliched, meat headed douche who was neither funny, nor charming, nor interesting, nor even a leader, for my count. Watching the movie, I kept thinking, if I knew this guy in real life, I would absolutely hate him. He would not be funny in real life. He would be terrible. Because of this, I am hereby creating a character archetype, called a "Kirk," that applies to a certain type of person. The question becomes: what is a Kirk?
A Kirk wears over-saturated cologne before going anywhere. Library? Cologne. Gym? Cologne. Theatre? Three helpings of cologne. He tells you exactly how many drinks he had the night before, and of which top shelf brands he guzzled from (listen for phrases like "I downed two bottles of the Goose," or "We were VIP last night--everything was free.") . At a pub or night spot, a Kirk wears a button-down with psuedo-gothic designs stitched on the back, gives every girl with a boyfriend a twice-over in the chesticle region, and likely gets into a shoving match with someone wearing a cast. We've seen people like this before. He's the guy from the "Jaega' Bombs" youtube video. He's the guy with the barbed wire tattoo on his bicep and the Chinese tattoo across his back that means "Bravery," even though he's never experienced conflict in his life. A Kirk wears dog tags without having served in the military. A Kirk balances aviator sunglasses on the back of his neck, and if his hair is long enough, will meticulously gel each strand of hair into "bad ass" spikes. He not only goes tanning religiously, but sends no look text messages on his Blackberry the entire time he's inside. In short, a Kirk is the guy that all of us regular guys can't believe is a real person, yet somehow is, and we are supposed to root for him in this movie. Yes, he is supposed to be our hero. Some people are tricked by this. Because of the way the camera zooms in on his face, because of the heroic music, because of the manufactured twinkle in his eye and the recognizable Federation uniform, some people in the audience love this Kirk. "He's hilarious!" they might say. "He's cute!" shouts a random teenager hanging out of a car. O.K.--no he's not. You meet this guy on the street, at a diner, at a bus stop, at the theatre, you will be vomiting your guts out. He's a cross between Iceman doing the "air bite" in the Top Gun locker room and Keanu Reeves shaking rain out of his hair and loading a shotgun at the beginning of Point Break. Keep in mind, Kirks are everywhere in this world. Next time you're outside, and an overly tanned, muscular twenty something runs by with jogging shorts, gelled hair, an ipod shuffle velcroed around his bicep, and a Korean tattoo on his left deltoid that means "sacrifice," just know one thing: Captain Kirk is all too real.
From now on, keep a lookout for the Kirks of the world. Keep a scorecard. How many did you see in one week? What were they wearing? What were they doing? Can we fit them all into a large island zoo, or are there too many? These are questions...important questions that need answering.
A Kirk wears over-saturated cologne before going anywhere. Library? Cologne. Gym? Cologne. Theatre? Three helpings of cologne. He tells you exactly how many drinks he had the night before, and of which top shelf brands he guzzled from (listen for phrases like "I downed two bottles of the Goose," or "We were VIP last night--everything was free.") . At a pub or night spot, a Kirk wears a button-down with psuedo-gothic designs stitched on the back, gives every girl with a boyfriend a twice-over in the chesticle region, and likely gets into a shoving match with someone wearing a cast. We've seen people like this before. He's the guy from the "Jaega' Bombs" youtube video. He's the guy with the barbed wire tattoo on his bicep and the Chinese tattoo across his back that means "Bravery," even though he's never experienced conflict in his life. A Kirk wears dog tags without having served in the military. A Kirk balances aviator sunglasses on the back of his neck, and if his hair is long enough, will meticulously gel each strand of hair into "bad ass" spikes. He not only goes tanning religiously, but sends no look text messages on his Blackberry the entire time he's inside. In short, a Kirk is the guy that all of us regular guys can't believe is a real person, yet somehow is, and we are supposed to root for him in this movie. Yes, he is supposed to be our hero. Some people are tricked by this. Because of the way the camera zooms in on his face, because of the heroic music, because of the manufactured twinkle in his eye and the recognizable Federation uniform, some people in the audience love this Kirk. "He's hilarious!" they might say. "He's cute!" shouts a random teenager hanging out of a car. O.K.--no he's not. You meet this guy on the street, at a diner, at a bus stop, at the theatre, you will be vomiting your guts out. He's a cross between Iceman doing the "air bite" in the Top Gun locker room and Keanu Reeves shaking rain out of his hair and loading a shotgun at the beginning of Point Break. Keep in mind, Kirks are everywhere in this world. Next time you're outside, and an overly tanned, muscular twenty something runs by with jogging shorts, gelled hair, an ipod shuffle velcroed around his bicep, and a Korean tattoo on his left deltoid that means "sacrifice," just know one thing: Captain Kirk is all too real.
From now on, keep a lookout for the Kirks of the world. Keep a scorecard. How many did you see in one week? What were they wearing? What were they doing? Can we fit them all into a large island zoo, or are there too many? These are questions...important questions that need answering.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The Friendship Dispersal Mechanism
Remember your college roommates? You were all best friends. You lived in the same dirty apartment with peeling posters and questionable carpeting for years! Well...something happens when the final bell of graduation tolls. Some friends stay together, others begin to drift. You might not expect it, and the people who end up seperating from the herd might be surprising. Here are the possibilities in the Friendship Dispersal Mechanism.
(a) The Octopus Effect. This occurs when one friend begins dating a clingy, anti-social neurotic who demands constant time, money, and power cuddling in order to be happy. Like an octopus, this sudden and intense love interest (whom you and your friends DO NOT like) will coil it's cold, needy tentacle around your previously trustworthy friend and pull him or her into their ocean of psychological co-dependency. The Octopus might not seem so bad at first, merely annoying. But when your friend begins "staying in," stops responding to text messages, and bails out on plans (including plans they made themselves), understand it is because the Octopus is pulling them under. You will begin to see him or her much less, first on every other weekend, then once a month, then only on special occasions. It is at this point that they are under the sea completely, and will only be coming up to gulp some air, before the Octopus claims them again. Solutions: be your own Captain Nemo and harpoon the sea creature (read: intervention) as soon as possible.
(b) The Careerist Effect. This occurs when one or many of your previously hardworking but still social friends takes it to the next level. College is over, and all that B.S. (fun) is put on the back burner. These academic Lancelots get on their warhorses and gallop full speed ahead toward Career Land, leaving many lazy buddies in their wake. For example, say one friend decides to go to law school. Newsflash: law school sucks. You don't even have time to tickle your chin wart in law school. Friends, parties, restaurant gatherings, movie nights, all of it--say bye bye. Or maybe another friend enters med school. It's over. When someone is learning how to use super accurate laser machines to cut open the human spinal column, they're probably too busy to do Irish Car Bombs with you. Some well-rounded individuals are able to sidestep the full blown Careerist Effect, but these are far and few between.
(c) Pen Pal Syndrome. This occurs when a friend makes the decision not go to the same post-college geographical area as everyone else. Say you guys are all from the Midwest, and attend a university in Indiana. Most people are flocking to Indianapolis or Chicago. The friend with Pen Pal Syndrome will tell you he's going to Seattle. Freaking Seattle. Are you serious? Yes, I understand that it's beautiful and you have a love interest/job opportunity there. But do you realize YOU WILL NEVER SEE 95% OF YOUR FRIENDS? That your new choices for best friend are your girlfriend's guy friends, the frequently sweating 42 year old in the cubicle next to you, and the couple who play 2 am techno across the hall? While there are always legitimate reasons for traveling far away from your friends, this does not diminish the polarizing and friendship-altering effects of Pen Pal Syndrome.
(d) The Cool Kid Virus. This one is easy to explain. Either through a new network of friends, a sudden epiphany, an inflow of cash, or a flashy wardrobe, one or multiple members of your friends decide they are too cool for school. They begin going to very questionable, clubbish night spots, indulge in freestyle monologues about themselves, reveal an extremely well-practiced "aloof face," look over your shoulder for other people to talk to, and become Master Generals of the bail-out technique. For guys, the Cool Kid Virus can occur if the individual suddenly begins scoring with lots of attractive women. For women, it can occur if the individual begins DATING an attractive (and wealthy) stud horse of a man. Note: when the Octopus Effect and the Cool Kid Virus combine, a very deadly potion is created.
(a) The Octopus Effect. This occurs when one friend begins dating a clingy, anti-social neurotic who demands constant time, money, and power cuddling in order to be happy. Like an octopus, this sudden and intense love interest (whom you and your friends DO NOT like) will coil it's cold, needy tentacle around your previously trustworthy friend and pull him or her into their ocean of psychological co-dependency. The Octopus might not seem so bad at first, merely annoying. But when your friend begins "staying in," stops responding to text messages, and bails out on plans (including plans they made themselves), understand it is because the Octopus is pulling them under. You will begin to see him or her much less, first on every other weekend, then once a month, then only on special occasions. It is at this point that they are under the sea completely, and will only be coming up to gulp some air, before the Octopus claims them again. Solutions: be your own Captain Nemo and harpoon the sea creature (read: intervention) as soon as possible.
(b) The Careerist Effect. This occurs when one or many of your previously hardworking but still social friends takes it to the next level. College is over, and all that B.S. (fun) is put on the back burner. These academic Lancelots get on their warhorses and gallop full speed ahead toward Career Land, leaving many lazy buddies in their wake. For example, say one friend decides to go to law school. Newsflash: law school sucks. You don't even have time to tickle your chin wart in law school. Friends, parties, restaurant gatherings, movie nights, all of it--say bye bye. Or maybe another friend enters med school. It's over. When someone is learning how to use super accurate laser machines to cut open the human spinal column, they're probably too busy to do Irish Car Bombs with you. Some well-rounded individuals are able to sidestep the full blown Careerist Effect, but these are far and few between.
(c) Pen Pal Syndrome. This occurs when a friend makes the decision not go to the same post-college geographical area as everyone else. Say you guys are all from the Midwest, and attend a university in Indiana. Most people are flocking to Indianapolis or Chicago. The friend with Pen Pal Syndrome will tell you he's going to Seattle. Freaking Seattle. Are you serious? Yes, I understand that it's beautiful and you have a love interest/job opportunity there. But do you realize YOU WILL NEVER SEE 95% OF YOUR FRIENDS? That your new choices for best friend are your girlfriend's guy friends, the frequently sweating 42 year old in the cubicle next to you, and the couple who play 2 am techno across the hall? While there are always legitimate reasons for traveling far away from your friends, this does not diminish the polarizing and friendship-altering effects of Pen Pal Syndrome.
(d) The Cool Kid Virus. This one is easy to explain. Either through a new network of friends, a sudden epiphany, an inflow of cash, or a flashy wardrobe, one or multiple members of your friends decide they are too cool for school. They begin going to very questionable, clubbish night spots, indulge in freestyle monologues about themselves, reveal an extremely well-practiced "aloof face," look over your shoulder for other people to talk to, and become Master Generals of the bail-out technique. For guys, the Cool Kid Virus can occur if the individual suddenly begins scoring with lots of attractive women. For women, it can occur if the individual begins DATING an attractive (and wealthy) stud horse of a man. Note: when the Octopus Effect and the Cool Kid Virus combine, a very deadly potion is created.
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